SEX WITHOUT PROBLEMS

Sexual Problems

We live in an age where sex has become a focus of thought, pleasure and misgivings - the media, particularly the cinema, television and popular literature, have emphasized and linked beauty, youth and sexual performance. We also live in an age where we know a little about a lot of things. Fiction and titillation are the source of many of our 'facts' about sexuality.

Because of society's obsession with sex, many people experience feelings of inadequacy - they believe they are not beautiful or young enough, are too fair or too dark, too bald, their penis is too small, their breasts aren't the right size or shape or they're simply not good in bed. These feelings are experienced by most people at some stage in their lives and in some cases they can cause sexual problems.

Sex has become competitive - we're constantly rating ourselves against rules and standards established by our peers, the media, our lover and ourselves, and often these standards have evolved from sexual mythology. This sexual competition equates with sports - the average person can't hope to compete with the sexual athletes depicted in the media or in our own imagination.

Armed with this knowledge - gained mainly from gossip and fantasy - we go to bed with someone and have false expectations about ourselves and our partner. Competition, performance and sexual mythology are driving us (or holding us back) instead of a desire for genuine sensual intimacy.

Some Sex Facts

Most men cannot reach orgasm more than once in about an hour and most have between one and four orgasms per week, depending on their age. Men don't 'come in buckets' - usually they ejaculate about a teaspoon-full upon climax.

Most women require more than penile penetration to reach orgasm - 'thrusting' alone is usually not enough - clitoral stimulation and foreplay are usually more important.

A woman's natural lubrication cannot be turned on like a tap - it needs desire, stimulation and a little time, and on those occasions when the woman is 'drier' than usual, a water-based artificial lubricant is a normal adjunct to enjoyable lovemaking.

Some of the most important discoveries sexual partners can make about each other during sex is through talking - finding out what excites and arouses them, what are turn-offs, what are fears and anxieties, what are fantasies, how vigorous their sex could be.

Find out about each other and take sex further by having a shared knowledge about the kind of sensual lovemaking that appeals to you both. Sexual and emotional needs vary from person to person - some people are happy in monogamous relationships, others have a desire for more than one partner.

Masturbation in front of your partner (with her/his agreement and encouragement) or together (mutual masturbation) can be a turn-on for both partners and is a valid and very enjoyable part of lovemaking.

Common Sex Problems

• Difficulty reaching orgasm.
• Impotence - difficulty getting and maintaining an erection.
• Vaginismus - when the vagina is unable to relax and permit the penetration of the penis during intercourse.
• Delayed or early ejaculation - coming too soon, too late or not at all.
• Vaginal dryness - difficulties triggering natural lubrication during sex.
• Unresponsiveness - lack of interest in sex for men and women.
• Cystitis - infection of the bladder and urethra.
• Sexually transmitted diseases.

Causes of Sexual Problems

With better education, our expectations about many things in our lives - including sex - increase. Our partner expects more from us, we expect more from our partner; we see and read about sexual role models on billboards, television, cinema screens and in magazines and popular novels.

We talk and hear more about sex - we know things about our friends and the famous, that we would never have contemplated hearing about even 20 years ago. This exposure to information is not necessarily a bad thing. It demonstrates that our society is feeling more relaxed about sex as a natural and enjoyable part of life. But having this information becomes a problem if we feel we can't compete with the sexual 'standards' that now abound.

There have been many changes over the last two decades in the way men and women relate to each other: women, quite rightly, expect more from men, women are encouraged to be more 'up-front' and men are encouraged to discover the 'feminine' side of their character. Both sexes find themselves conforming to or reacting against these new sets of standards. Gay activism has made it easier for homosexual and bisexual men and women to express their sexuality. The question is raised however - 'where do I fit in?'

Many causes of sexual problems can be traced back to when we were young. A strict or deeply religious home life can make us feel embarrassed, shy or even afraid of thinking about or exploring sex and our bodies. Some people believe, mistakenly, that it is 'dirty' to derive pleasure from touching and feeling your own body, let alone someone else's. Others, particularly those who have been sexually abused, suppress sexual feelings or think about sex in a non-pleasurable way.

People whose sexual self-esteem is low approach sex with the feeling that they will not be good at it, or will not be able to give, or even experience, sexual pleasure. Many of us think too much during sex, rather than 'going with the flow' and allowing true sexual feelings to take over.

Sometimes our problems involve unresolved or pent-up anger, suspicions or guilt - are we sleeping with the right person? Are we cheating? Is our partner cheating? Am I good enough? Is he/she good enough?

Sexual problems within a relationship may also have non-sexual causes: worries about finance, children, problems at work - these difficulties need to be worked out before any sexual problems can be dealt with.

Some partners have non-complementary libidos - she 'wants it' all the time, he wants it occasionally - or vice versa. Some partners place unachievable expectations on the other partner - to come quickly and often, to enjoy every position, to 'lie there and take it', to do it at any hour, to do it better. Some people draw inappropriate comparisons between their partner and the sexual prowess of ex-lovers or even fantasy characters depicted in fiction or pornography.

There are some people whose sexual problem is that they think they have no sexual problems. They regard themselves as studs, good in bed; yet often they don't take the time to make sure their partner is enjoying the sexual experience, sex for them is a one-way street.

Nearly everyone experiences some form of sexual problem at some stage, but unresolved sexual problems and hang-ups can compound - one bad sexual encounter can amplify and affect another, until finally we may have fears about every potential sexual encounter and this fear can become a pattern.

Sexual Problems for Women

Sexual Problems for Men