SEX WITHOUT PROBLEMS

Erection Difficulties

Put simply, an erection is a stiff penis. When the penis is stimulated, columns of tissue fill with blood, causing it to stiffen and become upright. This gives the penis the physical capacity to enter a vagina or anus during penetrative sex.

Erections can occur from physical and psychological (as well as sexual) stimulation -- riding a horse, lying on the penis, rhythmic movement, temperature and dreaming can all cause erections. Nearly every man at some stage in his life will have difficulty having or sustaining an erection.

What is Impotence?

Impotence is the inability to have or sustain an erection - it may be occasional, recurring or, less commonly, permanent. Impotence - temporary or on-going - is a very common sexual problem. It is almost impossible for a man to hide his erection problems from his partner because the problem is so physically obvious: his penis won't become, or will not stay, erect. This inability to 'fake it' can make the problem seem worse or more embarrassing for both partners.

Whatever the cause, impotence and erection difficulties can have a damaging effect on a man's ego, self-esteem, mental and physical wellbeing and relationship with his partner. Steps should be taken by the man, with the assistance and understanding of his partner - and, perhaps, with guidance from a counsellor or sex therapist to overcome the problem. In almost every case, impotence and erection difficulties can be overcome.

Dealing With Erection Difficulties

Is the problem related to someone else - are you suppressing guilt or anxiety about having sex with, or wanting to have sex with, someone else. Would you prefer to have sex with someone of your own sex?

If you are unfit or overweight, tense or anxious, or a combination of all of these, make a pact with yourself to make some lifestyle changes - become more physically active, have adequate rest and sleep, eat good food moderately and sensibly, try and deal with your anxieties. A fit man is likely to have fewer erection difficulties than an unfit one.

Avoid excessive consumption of alcohol and other drugs - one drink to steady your nerves (especially before a first encounter with a new partner) is probably not bad, but avoid drowning your desire with several 'stiff' drinks!

If you have a continuing inability to get or sustain an erection, and suspect the reason may be physical, you should consult your medical practitioner. For those men who believe their erection difficulties are a response to problems or events that occurred during their early sexual development, counselling with a sex therapist - perhaps in the presence of a partner - may be very beneficial. Sexual problems that are deep-seated should be faced gradually and carefully. You are not alone, many men and women have similar problems which can be traced back to childhood, and counsellors and sex therapists are trained to help you face the causes and eventually overcome the problem.

Very often, it helps to talk over the problem with your partner - whatever the cause of your difficulty, your partner needs to know they are not excluded from the problem. After all, they will be experiencing their own frustration and may feel they are not able to arouse and stimulate you to the point of getting an erection. If the problem is not physical or related to your early sexual development, it may be attitudinal - your sex life (or your attitude) may be 'penis centred'.

Sex is not something to rush (although 'quickies' can be an enjoyable part of a full sex life); it's not only about rampant erections and in/out intercourse - it's the full range of emotional and physical interplay between two people who want to be with each other. Explore other ways to satisfy yourself and your partner - sex is not intercourse alone and the penis is not your only 'tool' - a woman can climax without penile penetration (intercourse) and a man can derive great pleasure from sensuous alternatives to intercourse. Massage, foreplay, oral sex, cuddling, licking, tickling, mutual bathing, are all satisfying and stimulating ways of broadening your lovemaking.

An unsatisfactory relationship does not make for easy erections - problems within a relationship should be discussed and dealt with by the partners, preferably before having sex. Develop a positive mental attitude about your sex life and your penis - tell yourself you will satisfy your partner and yourself; avoid thinking about not being able to get an erection, otherwise you could find yourself in an ever-growing pattern of erection difficulties. Remember, the problem is probably only temporary - don't compound occasional impotence by being over-anxious about it, think about a possible cause and set out to tackle that cause.

When the difficulty has a physical cause, injections immediately prior to intercourse, penile implants and other devices can successfully overcome some men's erectile difficulties. These should be discussed with your medical practitioner and a sex therapist. Once you've thought about these issues and your needs and wants, you should discuss them with your partner or, if you feel that's not possible, with a trusted friend, professional counsellor or sex therapist.

Why Men Have Erection Difficulties?

Nearly every man, at some stage in his life, will have difficulty having or sustaining an erection. Temporary loss of erectile ability is called secondary impotence. Some men have an on-going difficulty getting and maintaining an erection - this is often described as primary impotence. When they reach their 50s (sometimes earlier, sometimes later) men experience fewer erections; and they find that generally their erections are not as stiff as when they were young. This is a normal part of aging.

Occasionally, medical conditions can prevent a man getting and sustaining a satisfactory erection. Chemicals - such as alcohol and some drugs - can also suppress erections; a limp penis is a frequent side effect of a heavy drinking session. Common temporary illnesses - the flu, for example or fatigue - can sometimes reduce sexual desire and, therefore, the capacity to have an erection. Tension and anxiety (about work, finances or love life, or even fear of not being able to have an erection) are very common causes of erection difficulties.

Some causes of impotence and erection difficulties are ingrained. In his youth, the man may have had a difficult or traumatic sexual experience - he may have been caught by a parent, teacher or other authority figure masturbating or having sex (with a girl or boy). He may have seen and not comprehended his parents having sex; he may have been molested. The man's early years may have been lived under the control and gaze of strict or deeply religious parents - he may have been taught that sex is 'dirty' and that masturbation is wrong. His first sexual experience may have been such a disaster that the embarrassment or shock that it caused remains with him through his adult life.

From early in his life, a man may have had doubts about his sexuality, 'manliness' or capacity to 'perform' - these doubts could have built into a fear of or anxiety about sex, inhibiting the man's capacity to initiate sex with potential partners. Early sexual experiences and awakenings and the attitudes of parents, friends, relatives, teachers and clergy all have an effect on a man's sexuality. They establish patterns of attitude and behavior that resonate through the man's life. Many men think they can 'block-out' these early experiences, and influences but they are still there in the man's subconscious and they can effect strongly his sexual responses and feelings.

Feeling anxious about your own sexual performance can be a major factor in reducing or preventing your capacity to have and sustain an erection. Sexual myth would have us believe in the male's 'dominance' in bed and his capacity to have sex at any time and as often as he or his partner desires. A man's self-image can be set against this incorrect stereotype. Many men are genuinely anxious about how they 'rate' in bed compared with their partner's previous partners and the mythical super-males depicted in the media. This anxiety compounds problems getting and sustaining an erection, with each successive sexual encounter becoming more difficult than the last.

Erection difficulties can occur when the man fears sex - it can cause him to have sex less often with his partner or not actively seek sexual partners at all. Some men, who are not happy in a particular relationship, may be unable to get or sustain an erection in the presence of their partner but will be able to masturbate or have sex with other partners. Their problems with erections then, are not general, they are specifically related to their main partner. It may be that the man is suppressing his true sexual self - he may be gay or bi-sexual and has no desire, or is unable, to continue having sex with his present partner.

A few men, even in long term relationships, may fear getting their partner pregnant - this can happen even if both partners have agreed, at least on the surface, to have children. The man may suppress his true desires about starting or extending a family and the prospect of intercourse may inhibit his capacity to get and maintain an erection.

A lack of male hormones is an extremely rare cause of erection difficulties - so rare, that it need not even be considered in the vast majority of cases. Depression and similar disorders, and grief after the death for a relative or close friend, can temporarily suppress many feelings of desire - the desire to eat or control eating, the desire to work, the desire to be involved, the desire to have sex and the capacity to get an erection. Treatment should be sought from a qualified specialist.

Exercises to Overcome Erection Difficulties

Firstly, you need to build up confidence about your capacity to release any pent-up feelings of anxiety or inadequacy, to arouse yourself and get and maintain an erection. On your own, and in a relaxed state of mind, gently touch and stroke your naked body - lightly massage and caress yourself, perhaps in a warm shower, bath, in bed or on a soft rug, using a water-based lubricant, body lotion, soap lather or your own saliva. Think about nothing else, except your sexual feelings - 'listen' to your emotions as your fingers gently touch each part of your body, concentrate on your 'self' and what feelings (emotional and physical) arouse and stimulate you. When you're ready, let your erotic and sensual thoughts 'translate' or transfer to your penis - gradually it will become erect; watch how stiff it can get with only your mind and erotic thoughts maintaining it.

Slowly, gently, let yourself stroke, caress and squeeze your penis. Finally, masturbate, letting yourself go completely. When you've become confident about self-stimulation and masturbation, try these techniques with your partner.

Find the right time and place for the 'exploration' to begin: use massage oil, lotion and lubricants if you wish - start slowly and sensuously with no goal other than relaxation, and feeling good. Recall from your own self-stimulation what touches and caresses aroused or relaxed you and ask your partner to try them. Gently massage, touch and explore your partner's body - find out what stimulates or relaxes your partner, remember to go slowly.

Unless you both feel so inclined, at this stage avoid touching each other's genitals, you're aiming to re-acquaint yourself with your own body and your partner's. The pressure of sex (whether from you or your partner) must not be an issue. Don't pressure or be pressured by your partner to take these exercises too quickly - when you're both ready, start to touch and caress each other's genitals, in tune with what you both desire - and remember to tell each other what is and isn't a turn-on (figure 4). Ask your partner to hand-stimulate your penis - gently at first, then more vigorously, massaging the tip of the penis, stroking the base and sides, perhaps using a water-based lubricant. At the same time you should 'let yourself go', relax and enjoy.